Now Playing Tracks

no one worry okay. i just need some time. im sorry. but a lot happened today and i need some serious recovery. please dont worry please please please i dont want to be a burden on anyone. 

i remember putting myself down , calling myself fat and making so many jokes about myself… just to make him happy, i was 6 and he was 10… he would beat me everyday, call me names, make me call myself names. 3 years later he took my innocence. I think about all this everyday and the fact that 5 years of my life… 8 years of my childhood was ripped from me, my parents did nothing. My parents were busy cheating on one another and my dad was an alcoholic that thought it was better for him to either drink or work all day to not be around me and my siblings, my mom would either be going out drinking or chain smoking on the computer and every time my brother did something horrid my mom took the easy rout and told me to grow up and shut my big fat mouth… from age 7 i have hated my body, the names my classmates gave me and the fact i never could defend myself scared me and still does to this day. I hate making friends because of this and im so afraid of being forced to defend myself against anything. My sister was going through so much and my parents beat her the worst and went through a very abusive relationship for 3 years, my brother from the time i was 12 was and still is an alcoholic and a last weekend i had to hold my mother who was drunk and bawling her eyes out that he is probably going to die, and that we have done literally everything for him. My biggest childhood role modle wanted nothing to do with me and now is an alcoholic  I grew up with the brother that did unspeakable things, i had no friends growing up, i moved away from that awful house and up here i had so few friends, and no one to understand me, every support group i go to doesn’t help and its just days like these that remind me of so many things that happened. After hating myself for 12 years, cutting myself for 4, being friendless, talentless and an outcast for 8 years, an addict for 3 years, and having the only person that i ever opened up to, the only person i fucking let in my soul rip my heart out and make me feel like I was an absolute monster. Then i was in jail, went to trial for something i didnt do and would never do… for so long everyone i saw thought i was a monster. I have no education, i am so broken, i am so alone and so tired… I am never good enough, i feel like i never will be either. Im never going to be strong enough, i have no idea what to do anymore. 

To Tumblr, Love Pixel Union